I am not okay.
I’m currently sitting here at midnight on a Friday night. I should be sleeping so I can go into work tomorrow and should be excited about my trip to London on Sunday to see Harry Styles. Instead, I’m sitting here a little tipsy after drinking a little too much peach vodka. I drank because I wanted to forget. I’m not happy. Two weeks ago I was in Boston for another concert with a friend, and ever since I got back everything has gone downhill. While I was there, I felt like I was actually living. I was smiling, laughing, exploring, and enjoying myself. Then I came home and went right back to the life I’ve been trying to convince myself I’m okay with. The feeling in my chest after returning was unbearable. Going back to work made me realize just how unhappy I am. It felt like I had been given a glimpse of what life could feel like, only to return to something that felt robotic and meaningless. The anxiety was overwhelming. It sat in my chest all day, making me feel like I was going to be sick.
I tried talking to my family about how I was feeling, but it only seemed to make things worse. My mom acts like I’m overreacting. I’ll explain how stuck I feel, how I don’t know where my life is going, or how I feel like I’m just a pawn making money for someone else, and the responses are always the same. “All jobs suck.” “What about those accounting classes?” “You could have been working at Disney right now.” To say she’s disappointed in me would probably be putting it lightly. She’s convinced I need to go back to school for accounting or some sort of certification, even though I already have a bachelor's degree. Yes, I could have been working at Disney. I got accepted into the Disney College Program for a second time. I turned it down because I was so depressed living in Florida that I couldn’t do it anymore. She doesn’t understand that part. The thing is, I don’t believe all jobs suck. Maybe that’s naive, but I still believe there’s a career out there that won’t leave me feeling empty every day. Everything in my family also seems to be a competition. If I say I hate my job, someone has it worse. If I say I’m struggling, someone else is struggling more. If I say I’m depressed, someone else is sad too. Nothing is ever allowed to simply exist on its own. There’s always an attempt to one-up the conversation. It leaves me feeling like my emotions don’t matter.
The thing is, I don't believe all jobs suck.
Since the anxiety at work has started to settle down, I’ve noticed something strange. It almost feels like I have two separate versions of myself. While I’m working, I don’t really think about my actual life. It’s almost like my brain temporarily shuts that part off. Then every once in a while reality slips back in. I’ll suddenly remember where I am. I’ll remember that this is my life. I’ll remember how far away I feel from where I want to be. The feeling is difficult to describe. It’s almost like regaining memories that were temporarily lost. For a moment everything feels uncanny. Then comes the realization that this is where I am, and I still have hours left in the day. Sometimes I think I have to dissociate a little just to get through work. By the time I get home, I’m still mentally stuck there. Then around ten at night I finally sit down with dinner and my body completely crashes. Sometimes I don’t even finish eating before I fall asleep.
Then I wake up and do it all over again.
I think a lot of my current depression comes from realizing how far away I am from the life I want. Right now, the things I can control seem simple enough. I want to move to New England. I want a salaried career. There’s a difference in my mind between having a job and having a career. Mostly, I just want to feel like I’m moving forward instead of standing still. The things I can’t control feel even further away. Finding love is somewhere on that list, but honestly it’s so far down that I barely think about it. At the moment it feels impossible to focus on that when everything else feels so unsettled. I keep telling myself I’m saving money so I can eventually move, but my bank account doesn’t seem to agree. Food prices, gas prices from commuting, medical bills, and unexpected expenses make it feel impossible. Today it was a dentist bill for orthodontics that I thought was paid off but apparently wasn’t. Every time I think I’m finally getting ahead, something comes along and knocks me back down. It feels like an uphill battle that I’m constantly losing.
Every time I think I'm getting ahead, something pulls me back down.
In less than thirty-six hours I’ll be leaving for London, but it still doesn’t feel real. Honestly, part of me doesn’t even care right now. I’m traveling with family, which should be exciting, but I know how these things usually go. Originally, I was asked to plan the trip. I spent hours building an itinerary around what everyone wanted to do. Nobody liked it. Fine. Whatever. A week or two ago, my sister started talking about tickets we needed to buy. I asked what the actual plan was and discovered there both was and wasn’t a plan. Apparently there are some scheduled activities, but most of the trip is just supposed to happen spontaneously. I don’t do spontaneous. That’s just not who I am. I need structure. I need a rough idea of what’s happening. Without it, I get anxious. So I built my own itinerary. Not for anyone else. Just for me. I even included multiple restaurant options because food had been such a major point of disagreement the first time around. When I showed it to my mom, she got upset about it. Again, it wasn’t even for her. Then there’s the fact that I keep finding things out about this trip by accident. For example, our former foreign exchange student is apparently meeting us in London. I didn’t learn that because anyone told me. I learned because my sister casually mentioned buying her a ticket for something in a group chat. When I asked about it, the response was basically, “Oh yeah, she’s coming.” This isn’t unusual. My mom and sister tell each other everything and somehow forget to tell me. Sometimes I find things out days later. Sometimes weeks. Sometimes months. My sister has always been my mom’s “mini me.” Her words, not mine. I know they talk about me when I’m not around. I’ve accepted that, or at least I tell myself I have.
The truth is, it still hurts.
Boston was different. While I was there, I opened up to my friend about things I’ve never told anyone else. Honestly, I think she might be the only real friend I have, and that realization scares me. Trust has never come easily to me. Almost every person I’ve trusted has broken that trust at some point. I know people aren’t perfect. I know mistakes happen. But when it keeps happening over and over again, you start expecting it. At this point, when someone disappoints me, I’m not even surprised. I’m just waiting for it. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. I told my friend that while we were in Boston. She pointed out that opening up to her was challenging that expectation. Challenging my belief that trust always ends badly. I appreciated that. It still scares me. With everything that’s been happening lately, I’m not entirely sure where my mental health is heading.
I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Like I said at the beginning, I’ve been drinking tonight. Usually I only drink socially. Tonight was different. A few days ago I bought a couple bottles from the liquor store. I kept putting off opening them because I knew drinking wasn’t really a solution. Tonight I finally opened one. I wanted to forget. Instead, I think it made me feel everything even more. Now I’m sitting here writing this, and all the thoughts I was trying to push away are slowly coming back. The anxiety. The depression. The uncertainty. The feeling of being stuck. I’m tired of carrying all of it.
I just wanted to feel lighter.
Maybe that’s why I’m writing this tonight. Not because I have answers. Not because I suddenly know what to do next. I’m writing because I needed somewhere to put all of it. Tomorrow these problems will still exist. My job will still be there. My family will still be my family. My future will still feel uncertain. But at least for tonight, these thoughts aren’t trapped inside my head anymore.