The Archive

All Chapters

Every page here was written at a different hour, in a different mood, about a different shade of the same life.

bonus: what this playlist became

When I first made this playlist, I wasn't really thinking about it as a story. I was just putting songs together because I liked them. Some had been sitting in my music library for years, while others were songs I had recently discovered through TikTok edits. Some were there because of a specific lyric. Others were there because of the production. And some were there for no real reason beyond the fact that they *felt* right.

August 25, 2026

Music·5 min read

part eight: when music becomes personal

There are some songs that I can appreciate because I like the production, the lyrics, or the atmosphere they create. Then there are songs that become something more personal. They become connected to a specific period of my life, a specific version of myself, or a feeling that I remember all too well.

August 25, 2026

Music·4 min read

part seven: the songs that feel like a specific moment

Some songs make me think of a specific place, person, or moment, even if that moment never actually happened. They can be so vivid that listening to them feels less like hearing a song and more like watching a scene play out in your head. *Honeybee* is one of those songs for me.

August 25, 2026

Music·9 min read

part six: songs that exist in a dream

Some songs feel like they belong entirely to reality. You can picture exactly where you are when you're listening to them, and the lyrics or production keep you grounded in that moment. Other songs do the opposite. They make everything around you feel slightly less real. You aren't necessarily thinking about the lyrics or trying to understand exactly what the artist is saying. Instead, you are being pulled into an atmosphere.

August 25, 2026

Music·9 min read

part five: sitting with what remains

There is a point after something happens when there isn't really anything left to do. The conversation has happened, the relationship has changed, the person has left, or you've finally realized something you had been avoiding. You can't go back and change what happened, but you also aren't necessarily ready to move forward yet. Instead, you are left sitting with it.

August 25, 2026

Music·8 min read

part four: when everything comes out

There is a point in some situations where you can only keep your feelings inside for so long. You can try to stay calm, you can try to explain yourself, and you can try to convince yourself that something doesn't bother you as much as it actually does. But eventually, something gives.

August 24, 2026

Music·9 min read

part three: i know i should leave

There is a difference between not knowing that something is bad for you and knowing it very clearly but continuing to do it anyway.

August 24, 2026

Music·9 min read

part two: almost, but not quite

There is a particular kind of relationship that can be difficult to explain because technically, nothing happened. There was no official relationship to break up, no anniversary to remember, and no clear moment when someone said, "This isn't going to work." Instead, there are just moments: a conversation that seemed a little more meaningful than it needed to be, a question that made you wonder why they were asking, or a feeling that seemed mutual even if nobody ever actually said so.

August 24, 2026

Music·8 min read

part one: when something changes

There is something interesting about the way a song can capture the feeling of wanting something to change without necessarily knowing exactly what that change is supposed to look like.

August 24, 2026

Music·5 min read

big bop: an introduction

I tend to make playlists based on whatever mood or vibe I happen to be in at the time. The names, however, are usually much more random.

August 24, 2026

Life·10 min read

the problem with trying to fix yourself

There is another side to all of this that has less to do with the people around me and more to do with what I have learned to do with myself. I have spent a lot of time thinking about how my upbringing might affect me in the future, not just in obvious ways, but in the quieter patterns that might eventually show up in friendships, relationships, work, or everyday decisions. I've wondered what lessons I absorbed without realizing it, what assumptions I have about myself, how I respond to conflict, what I expect from other people, and perhaps most importantly, what I expect from myself.

August 24, 2026

Life·10 min read

the difference between support and approval

There is a particular kind of loneliness that comes from realizing that someone can be an important part of your life and still not know how to support you in the way you need.

August 24, 2026

Life·10 min read

the life i haven't lived yet

I think there are some things in life you can talk yourself into believing, and then there are things you can say a thousand times without ever actually believing them. For years, I have told myself that someday I will find someone. When I started college in 2021, I thought that surely, within a couple of years, I would experience love. Two years seemed like a reasonable amount of time. Then those two years passed, and I thought, okay, maybe another two. Then another two. Now it is 2026, and if you had told the version of me who started college that six years later I would still be saying the same thing, I probably wouldn't have believed you.

August 18, 2026

Life·17 min read

finding my way back

It’s been a bit since I’ve done an updated post. I still need to write more specifically about all of my travels, but I’ve been busy. A lot has changed, to say the least. I’ve officially finished my summer of travels, and that last trip somehow brought everything together. It was my last concert of the year, the one I had been looking forward to the most, and my only solo concert journey this year. This one meant the most to me. I drove all the way to Massachusetts and attended two concerts, the same artist on two different nights. There was a lot of stress going into it: parking, traffic, exhaustion, all the usual things that come with driving that far by yourself. And yet, I enjoyed every second of it.

August 17, 2026

Life·11 min read

the disconnect

Right now, I feel stuck. I have a list of things I want to achieve, goals if you want to call them. I haven’t written them down because there’s something concrete about seeing them on paper. If I leave them in my head, they can stay dreams. Fairytales. Things I want but don’t entirely believe will happen. The moment I write them down, they stop feeling like possibilities and start feeling like reminders of everything I haven’t accomplished yet. Almost like they’re laughing back at me, mocking me for believing they were ever attainable. So, what are these laughable goals? In no particular order: find a new job, move to New England, make friends, and fall in love. The first one seems simple enough.

July 2, 2026

Life·10 min read

i'm not okay

I’m currently sitting here at midnight on a Friday night. I should be sleeping so I can go into work tomorrow and should be excited about my trip to London on Sunday to see Harry Styles. Instead, I’m sitting here a little tipsy after drinking a little too much peach vodka. I drank because I wanted to forget. I’m not happy. Two weeks ago I was in Boston for another concert with a friend, and ever since I got back everything has gone downhill. While I was there, I felt like I was actually living. I was smiling, laughing, exploring, and enjoying myself. Then I came home and went right back to the life I’ve been trying to convince myself I’m okay with. The feeling in my chest after returning was unbearable. Going back to work made me realize just how unhappy I am. It felt like I had been given a glimpse of what life could feel like, only to return to something that felt robotic and meaningless. The anxiety was overwhelming. It sat in my chest all day, making me feel like I was going to be sick.

June 20, 2026

Music·7 min read

more than just noise

I have always had a connection to music. It started when I was young, with distinct memories of going to my grandparents’ house and hearing music constantly playing in the background. My grandpa especially loved music, though most of the time I had no idea what songs or artists were actually playing. A lot of it came from the 50s and 60s, and he was a huge fan of Elvis Presley.

May 7, 2026

Travel·7 min read

the beauty of elsewhere

If I had unlimited time and money, I would spend my life traveling the world. I would visit every historical monument, every beautiful landscape, every city, and every quiet place hidden in between. More than anything, though, I would want to experience the everyday lives of people completely different from myself.

May 7, 2026

Stories·5 min read

the stories that wrote me

Stories have always felt like an escape to me. Whether it’s books, TV shows, movies, YouTube videos, or even TikToks, they all pull me away from the reality I’m currently living in, even if only for a little while. Sometimes I’ll catch myself completely immersed in something and then suddenly remember the real world still exists outside of it. It almost feels like getting pulled awake too quickly, like a slap back into reality.

May 7, 2026

Cooking·7 min read

the weight cooking carries

Food has always felt more like a language to me than anything else. Every region has its own spoken language or dialect, but they also have their own way of cooking, eating, and sharing meals. One of my favorite examples of this is what I loosely call “stuffed dough dishes.” At first you might think of dumplings like soup dumplings, gyoza, mandu, pierogi, wontons, or ravioli. Then there are dishes closer to rolls, like spring rolls or lumpia. Others lean more toward pastry, like calzones, samosas, pirozhki, kolaches, or empanadas. Even though they all have different names, histories, and flavors, at their core they are all variations of the same idea: dough wrapped around filling. Some were created independently, while others evolved from cultural exchange and influence over time.

May 7, 2026

Life·5 min read

who am i and why?

If I had to try and sum myself up, I don’t think I really could in any clean or final way. I’m still in the middle of becoming, still learning what parts of me are permanent and what parts are just passing through. And honestly, that feels like the most accurate thing I can say right now. This space isn’t about presenting a finished version of myself. It’s about documenting the in-between, the thoughts that don’t always get said out loud, the patterns I notice in myself, and the moments that feel heavier or more meaningful than they should.

May 7, 2026